RMC

The 1997 Emmy Awards saw Gillian Anderson win her an Outstanding Lead Actress role for her work on Season 4 of the X Files. I loved that show. It wasn’t just the Aliens and conspiracies either. But…if you can remember the story line of his sister, well, season 4 had an episode called, “Paper Hearts” that aired on Dec. 15, 1996. I was 16.

It is her and Duchovny’s greatest achievement, in my mind. That’s why I wanted to be an FBI agent. To find and give closure by eliminating the threat of anyone ever loosing someone. I wanted to find the bad guys, bring families closure. That is what I wanted my purpose to be. I did want to be an FBI agent. I watched the show all the time. I know my mother probably remembers.

That’s why I wanted to join the Marines. I would have had a GI Bill and would have been able to have made it to Quantico if I would have been able to be a Marine. God’s honest truth. It’s not like I dwell on it. But I think I have a good heart. I’ve always wanted to protect people. And serve, to make people happy and safe. That’s what I wanted.

Don’t ever think I would pass judgment on anybody for the decisions I’ve made. I don’t. And I don’t blame anyone. I just want you to know the truth. The truth has always mattered to me. Even though there’s a lot I want to never remember. I wanted to leave this conservative town as well as all the political partisanship that was thick in this part of the world then; just as I want to now sometimes.

But it is what it is and I’ve come to accept it. I just want you to know what’s in my mind. I even tried to join the Navy when I was in that shit hole motel I lived in when I had nowhere to go. They wouldn’t let me. Guess why? Because life’s full of surprises. Go figure. I even bought my first Gerber knife after seeing Duchovny use one in an epsidoe to cut a cushion seat open to search for evidence. And there was something about having a friend. A partner. Someone to confide in and fight the forces of evil. But it’s all, in the past.

For someone who has battled good and evil all my life I know the difference. Yet I do not profit or take advantage of others. I do not lie to forsake my honor. I do not covet. Yes, I am a man who has a need from time to time. But that need is appropriate. Innocent and unto the depths I plunge, yet to find some reprieve. Reprieve and release from the stressful and hurtful past. Solace in relationships I used to have seem meaningless sometimes.

Purpose, now that’s trickier now a days. Yet my purpose is to have clear vision and a goal. That goal sometimes has to be one step at a time. They’re baby steps at times. At times there’s a step forward and then two steps back. That’s why you always have to move forward. Forward. In your mind, and in your heart.